Part Two On Romantic Love

In his book "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love", Robert Johnson distinguishes committed love from romantic love. When we yearn for a forbidden, passionate romance like in “The English Patient” or "The Bridges of Madison County," we are often blinded from the beautiful, committed love that is with us in every day life, the "stirring-the-oatmeal" love.

As Johnson writes: "Stirring oatmeal is a humble act--not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night."

Committed love awakens the ego to the existence of something outside itself. In its very essence, it is appreciation, a recognition, of another person’s value. Romance is not love directed at another human being; the passion of romance is always directed at the lovers' own projections, expectation and fantasies.

Romantic love can only last so long as a couple are "high" on one another. True love is content to do things that the ego is bored with. It is wiling to work with the other person’s moods and unreasonableness. It is willing to fix breakfast and balance the checkbook. It necessarily includes friendship within a relationship between husband and wife while in a romance it's not necessarily true. In fact, many often say "I don’t want to be friends with my husband (or wife); it would take all the romance out of our marriage."

Couples never really settle into relationship with each other as real human beings until they are out of the romantic love stage, until they love each other instead of "being in love."

So, if you really think deeply about it, the dreaded "I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You!", considered by many (including even some family therapists) in the western world the ten-word sentence most likely to end a marriage, may not necessarily be a bad thing. It could mean a transition to a more mature committed love. Of course, many who did not really transition into the more mature phase just want to get out of the relationship that now runs out of romantic energy. The "I love you" part in the sentence is just a consolation.

I like N. Yee's conclusion on this issue:
"In the end, the basis of a stable relationship is founded on a love that emerges not in spite of but because of the other person’s flaws and weaknesses, because ultimately it is our imperfections that make us human. We can seek out [romantic love] with angels, but we can only find true love among mortals."

To read more on the subject of Romantic Love Versus Committed/True Love, check this blog by Dr Will Meek:

http://willmeekphd.com/item/romantic-vs-committed-love

Reference:

Yee, Nick. Love in 4 Acts: What is Romantic Love?

Johnson, Robert A. We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love. Harper San Francisco. 1983.